The car is clean, the kids are dressed in coordinating (and stain-free) outfits, and you even remembered to pack the organic, gluten-free snacks. You drop them off at school with a bright smile, head to work where you’re known for being reliable and on top of everything, and maybe you even chair the parent-teacher committee.
On the outside, you’re the picture of a parent who has it all together.
But on the inside? It’s a different story. Your heart is pounding. Your mind is racing, cycling through a to-do list a mile long. You’re replaying that slightly awkward conversation from yesterday, worrying if you offended someone. You’re already dreading the dinner-bath-bedtime marathon, terrified you’ll lose your patience.
If this sounds even a little bit familiar, I want you to take a deep breath. You’re not alone. And what you’re feeling isn’t just “stress.” It might be something called high-functioning anxiety.
It’s the secret struggle of the parent who appears to be thriving but is actually just trying to keep their head above water. It’s the anxiety that wears a mask of achievement and perfectionism. Let’s pull back that mask, together.
What High-Functioning Anxiety Looks Like (And What It Feels Like)
Unlike a classic anxiety disorder, high-functioning anxiety isn’t a formal diagnosis you’ll find in a medical textbook. Think of it more as a description of an experience. It’s the experience of being driven by anxiety, but in a way that often results in incredible achievement. The problem is, the achievement never brings peace. It only quiets the anxious voice for a moment before it starts demanding more.
This creates a painful split between your external world and your internal one.
On the Outside, You Might Be:
- Highly successful and organized: You’re the person friends turn to for advice or help because you always seem to have it figured out. Your calendar is color-coded and your pantry is immaculate.
- Punctual and prepared: You’re never late. You have a backup plan for your backup plan.
- Proactive and a problem-solver: You anticipate needs before they arise, both at home and at work.
- Calm and put-together in a crisis: While everyone else is panicking, you’re the one taking charge and making a list.
- A people-pleaser: You say “yes” to everything, fearing that saying “no” will make you seem incapable or will disappoint someone.
On the Inside, You Might Feel:
- A constant, running commentary of worry: Your mind never shuts off. You worry about your kids’ health, their development, their friendships. You worry about work deadlines, household chores, and what you’ll make for dinner next Tuesday.
- A deep fear of failure: Making a mistake feels catastrophic. You believe if you drop even one of the many balls you’re juggling, everything will come crashing down.
- Mental and physical exhaustion: Even after a full night’s sleep (if you can even get one), you feel bone-tired. You might have persistent muscle tension, headaches, or stomach issues.
- Overthinking and analysis paralysis: You replay conversations and decisions endlessly. You struggle to make simple choices because you’re terrified of making the wrong one.
- Irritability and a short fuse: The constant internal pressure can make you snap at the people you love most, often over small things. This can lead to a crushing cycle of guilt, making you feel like you’ve yelled at your kids and failed as a parent.
- An inability to relax: Downtime feels unproductive and stressful. The idea of just “doing nothing” is a source of anxiety, not relief.
Does any of this resonate? It’s a heavy burden to carry, especially when you feel like you have to carry it in silence.
A Lightbulb Moment: Learning from Dr. Nicole LePera
I was deep in a rabbit hole of trying to understand this feeling, this constant internal hum of “not good enough,” when I came across the work of Dr. Nicole LePera, who many know online as The Holistic Psychologist. Her perspective was a total lightbulb moment for me.
Dr. LePera talks about a pattern she calls being an “over-functioner.”
She explains that many of us who grew up in environments where there was emotional chaos, unpredictability, or a lack of emotional support learned a coping mechanism: we became hyper-competent. We learned to anticipate everyone’s needs, to solve problems before they happened, and to keep everything under tight control because it felt safer than the alternative. We became the responsible one, the mature one, the one who could handle it.
Sound familiar?
This pattern doesn’t just disappear when we become parents. In fact, parenting can amplify it. The immense responsibility of raising a human being triggers that old need for control. We believe, subconsciously, that if we are the perfect parent, if we do everything “right,” we can protect our children from any and all pain or difficulty.
The problem, as Dr. LePera points out, is that this is an impossible standard. This drive to over-function and control everything isn’t a sustainable way to live. It leads directly to the burnout and inner turmoil that defines high-functioning anxiety. It’s not a character flaw; it’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy that has outlived its usefulness.
Why Is This So Common for Parents?
Parenting in the modern world can feel like a pressure cooker. We’re not just raising kids; we’re curating childhoods.
- The Comparison Trap: We scroll through social media and see picture-perfect family vacations, elaborate homemade birthday cakes, and enriching sensory bins. It’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind.
- The Information Overload: There are a million books, blogs, and “experts” telling us the “right” way to handle sleep, discipline, and nutrition. This can fuel the fear of making a mistake.
- The Weight of a “Good Childhood”: Many of us are trying to give our children what we didn’t have, whether that’s emotional connection, financial stability, or unique opportunities. This beautiful desire can morph into a crushing pressure to be perfect.
- Losing Yourself: The role of “parent” can become so all-consuming that we forget who we were before. When your entire identity is tied to how well your kids are doing, the stakes feel impossibly high. If you’ve ever thought, “I’ve lost myself”, you know how disorienting this can be.
This combination of old patterns and new pressures creates the perfect storm for high-functioning anxiety to thrive.
Gentle First Steps to Finding Your Calm
Okay, so you recognize yourself in this description. What now? The answer isn’t to add “fix my anxiety” to your already overflowing to-do list. The goal is to slowly, gently, and compassionately create more space for peace.
Here are a few places to start.
1. Name It to Tame It
Simply giving this experience a name, “high-functioning anxiety,” can be incredibly powerful. It externalizes the problem. It’s not that you are broken; it’s that you are experiencing a pattern of anxiety. You are not your anxiety. This small shift in perspective can be the first step toward freedom.
2. Lower the Bar from “Perfect” to “Good Enough”
The pursuit of perfection is the fuel for anxiety. What if you aimed for “good enough” instead? The kids can have cereal for dinner. The laundry can stay in the basket for another day. You can buy the store-bought cupcakes. Giving yourself permission to be human is a radical act of self-care. It’s one of the simplest tips to manage anxiety and stress that actually work.
3. Practice Mindful Moments, Not Hour-Long Meditations
The idea of finding an hour for self-care can feel like a joke. So don’t. Start with one minute. While the coffee brews, close your eyes and just focus on your breath. Notice the feeling of the warm mug in your hands. These tiny moments of mindfulness break the cycle of frantic future-thinking and ground you in the present. If you need more ideas, there are many self-care ideas for parents who have absolutely no time.
4. Untangle Your Worth from Your Productivity
This is a tough one. Your value as a human being is not measured by how many items you cross off your to-do list. Remind yourself of this, daily if you have to. You are worthy of rest. You are worthy of joy. You are worthy simply because you exist. The relentless pressure to do more is often a key driver of parental burnout.5. Get Curious About Your Feelings
When you feel that familiar knot of anxiety in your stomach, try not to push it away. Get curious. Ask yourself: What is this feeling trying to tell me? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Scared? Unsupported? Just pausing to acknowledge the feeling without judgment can lessen its power. It’s a way to begin teaching yourself the same emotional intelligence you want to teach your kids about empathy.
Common Questions About High-Functioning Anxiety
Is high-functioning anxiety a real diagnosis?
Not officially. You won’t find it in the DSM-5 (the manual clinicians use to diagnose mental health conditions). However, it’s a widely recognized term used by therapists and individuals to describe a specific experience of anxiety. A person with these symptoms might be diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), but the “high-functioning” label helps specify how it shows up in their life
How is this different from stress or burnout?
They are all related, but distinct. Stress is typically a response to an external trigger (like a work deadline) and subsides when the trigger is gone. Burnout is a state of total emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. High-functioning anxiety is more of a constant, internal state of being. It’s the engine of worry that drives you, often leading to both stress and, eventually, burnout
When should I seek professional help?
If your anxiety is interfering with your quality of life, your relationships, or your ability to feel joy, that’s a great reason to talk to someone. If you experience physical symptoms like a racing heart that feel overwhelming, it’s also important to get support. Sometimes these feelings can escalate, and understanding what a panic attack actually feels like can be helpful. A therapist can provide you with tools, support, and a safe space to unpack these patterns
You Deserve Peace, Not Just Praise
Living with high-functioning anxiety is like running a marathon that no one else knows you’re in. You keep a steady pace, you smile at the onlookers, but you are exhausted and just want to stop.
Recognizing this pattern in yourself is an act of profound courage. It’s the first step off the hamster wheel.
The goal isn’t to stop caring or to become unproductive. The goal is to untangle your worth from your achievements. It’s to learn that you are allowed to rest, to be imperfect, and to be cared for, too. It’s about finding a way to live a life that doesn’t just look good from the outside, but feels good on the inside.
You are doing a great job. And you deserve to feel the peace that comes with believing it.
