It usually happens during the quiet moments. Maybe you are nursing at 2 AM, or perhaps you are hiding in the bathroom for three minutes of peace while your toddler bangs on the door. You pull out your phone to decompress.
Your thumb creates a rhythm. Scroll. Scroll. Stop.
There it is. A photo of a mother who looks well-rested, wearing clean clothes, in a beige living room that features zero plastic toys. She is doing a sensory activity with her child involving organic chia seeds. The caption talks about how #blessed she feels.
Suddenly, the heavy feeling in your chest returns. You look around at your messy living room. You think about the frozen nuggets you served for dinner. You wonder why you feel so tired when “everyone else” seems to be thriving.
Does this sound familiar to you?
If so, I want you to take a deep breath. You are stuck in the comparison trap, and it is one of the most common struggles parents face today. But here is the good news: you can break out of it without deleting your accounts or moving to a cabin in the woods.
Why We Are Wired to Compare (The Science)
First, let’s give you some grace. You are not comparing yourself because you are insecure or “crazy.” You are doing it because you are human.
In 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger proposed Social Comparison Theory. He argued that humans have an innate drive to evaluate themselves, and the only way we can do that is by comparing ourselves to others. Back in the caveman days, this was helpful. It helped us fit into the tribe and survive.
However, Festinger identified something called “Upward Social Comparison.” This is when we compare ourselves to people we perceive as being “better” than us.
In the real world, you might only see a “better” parent once a week at the park. But on social media? You are flooded with hundreds of them in a matter of minutes. Your brain is processing these images as reality, triggering a biological response that says, I am failing. I am at risk of being kicked out of the tribe.
The “Insides vs. Outsides” Problem
This brings us to the brilliant work of researcher Dr. Brené Brown. In her extensive work on shame and vulnerability, she highlights a massive error we make when scrolling through our feeds.
She notes that we are constantly “comparing our insides to everyone else’s outsides.”
You know your “insides.” You know about the temper tantrum that happened ten minutes ago. You know about the anxiety keeping you up at night. You know the struggle of your marriage or your finances.
But when you look at an influencer parent on Instagram, you only see their “outside.” You see the curated, edited, lighting-corrected millisecond of their day. You are comparing your full, messy, behind-the-scenes reality to their greatest hits album. It is a game you are rigged to lose.
Signs You Are in a “Comparison Spiral”
How do you know when healthy inspiration has turned into toxic comparison? Here are a few red flags to watch for:
- The “Shoulds”: After scrolling, you immediately think, “I should be doing more crafts” or “I should be cooking from scratch.”
- Irritability: You feel shorter with your partner or kids after being on your phone.
- Diminished Joy: You were happy with your day until you saw someone else’s vacation photos.
- Justification: You feel the need to post something to prove you are also a “good” parent.
If you recognize these signs, you might be dealing with what is often called high-functioning anxiety. It is that buzzing need to always be doing more. (If that resonates, you might want to read more about “High-Functioning Anxiety”: The Secret Struggle of Many Parents to see if it fits your experience).
Step 1: The Great Unfollow (Curating Your Digital Village)
You are the CEO of your social media feed. It is time to fire the employees that are bringing down the company morale.
I want you to open your app right now. Go through the last 20 accounts in your feed. For each one, ask yourself: How does this image make me feel?
- If it makes you feel inspired, educated, or understood? Keep it.
- If it makes you feel less than, anxious, or guilty? Unfollow.
This applies even if the account is “helpful.” If a nutritionist posting healthy toddler lunches makes you feel shame about your child’s eating habits, that account is not helpful for you right now.
Step 2: Reality-Check Your Feed
When you see a perfect parenting moment online, try playing the “What Happened Before and After?” game.
- The Photo: A smiling toddler in a pristine white outfit.
- The Reality: They likely spilled juice on that outfit three minutes later. The parent might have bribed them with a gummy bear to stand still. There is probably a pile of laundry just outside the frame.
Remind yourself that content creation is a job. Those influencers are not just parents; they are art directors, lighting technicians, and editors. You are comparing your everyday life to their profession.
Step 3: Anchor Yourself in Your Own Values
Comparison happens when we aren’t sure what we value, so we adopt everyone else’s values.
If you see a parent doing elaborate homeschooling activities, you might feel guilty. But ask yourself: Is homeschooling actually a priority for me? Or do I value independent play and social time?
When you are solid in your own parenting philosophy, other people’s choices stop feeling like an attack on yours. You can look at that homeschooling mom and think, “Good for her, that looks like a lot of work. I’m going to go play tag with my kid because that’s what we love.”
This ties heavily into understanding your child’s unique needs. Every child develops differently. If you are worried because your friend’s child is doing something yours isn’t, take a moment to review the 7 Stages of Child Development: A Parent’s Simple Guide to Growing Years. It’s a great reminder that growth isn’t a race.
Step 4: Embrace “Good Enough”
There is a psychological concept called “The Good Enough Mother” (coined by Donald Winnicott). It essentially says that children do not need perfection. In fact, perfection can be harmful because it doesn’t teach them how to cope with the real world.
Your children need you to be present, not perfect. They need you to be emotionally available, not Instagram-ready.
When you feel that urge to be the perfect parent you see online, I encourage you to read about Why “Good Enough” is the New “Perfect” in Parenting. It might just be the permission slip you need to relax.
Common Questions About Social Media & Parenting
Is it okay to block family members who make me feel judged?
Absolutely. Your mental health comes first. If blocking feels too aggressive, use the “Mute” or “Restrict” features. This allows you to stay connected without seeing their daily updates that trigger you.
I need social media for work. How do I avoid the parenting comparison trap?
Set strict boundaries. Use the app only for work tasks (posting, replying to comments) and then close it. Avoid the “Explore” page at all costs. You can also create a separate account for personal use that follows zero parenting influencers and only follows accounts that bring you joy (like puppy videos or landscape photography).
How do I stop judging other parents online?
This is a great question. Often, we judge others to protect ourselves from feeling inadequate. If you find yourself judging a “perfect” mom, try to flip the script to compassion. Remind yourself, “She is showing her highlight reel. I hope she is doing okay behind the scenes
The Takeaway
Social media is a tool, but it is a sharp one. It can connect us, but it can also cut us deeply if we aren’t careful.
The next time you find yourself spiraling after seeing a photo of a spotless playroom or a gourmet bento box lunch, put the phone down. Look at your child. Look at the messy hair, the sticky fingers, the genuine smile.
That is real. That is your life. And no amount of likes or comments can ever compete with the beauty of the connection you are building right now, offline, in the beautiful mess of reality.
