Let’s be honest for a second. When was the last time someone told you to “cherish every moment” because “it goes so fast”?
And when they said that, did you want to scream?
Usually, we hear this advice right when we are wrestling a toddler into a car seat, cleaning up spilled milk for the third time, or running on four hours of broken sleep. It is well-meaning advice, but it can feel incredibly heavy. It adds a layer of guilt to our exhaustion. It implies that if we aren’t blissfully happy every second of the day, we are doing it wrong.
But here is the truth. You cannot cherish every moment. Some moments are just hard. Some moments are boring. That is just the reality of raising humans.
However, there is a middle ground between toxic positivity and total burnout. There is a way to reclaim the texture and sweetness of parenthood without ignoring the difficulty. It isn’t about pretending the stress doesn’t exist. It is about training your eyes and your brain to spot the gold hidden in the grit.
Have you ever noticed how easily you remember a temper tantrum, but how quickly you forget a quiet snuggle? There is a scientific reason for that.
Why We Miss the Magic (It’s Not Your Fault)
If you feel like you are constantly scanning for the next crisis, disaster, or mess, you aren’t a pessimist. You are a parent with a functioning human brain.
Our brains are wired for survival, not for happiness. This is what psychologists call the “Negativity Bias.” The brain prioritizes processing threats and problems because that is what kept our ancestors alive.
In modern parenting, this manifests as a hyper-focus on what is going wrong. We obsess over the signs of parental burnout, the milestones our kids haven’t hit yet, or the laundry pile that never shrinks.
Neuropsychologist Dr. Rick Hanson describes this perfectly. He says that for our brains, negative experiences are like Velcro, but positive experiences are like Teflon. The bad stuff sticks instantly, but the good stuff slides right off.
So, when you have a lovely five minutes of play with your child but then they have a meltdown five minutes later, your brain records the meltdown in 4K definition and stores the playtime as a blurry memory.
To find joy, we have to manually override this system. We have to make the good stuff stick.
The Science of “Taking in the Good”
Dr. Hanson suggests a practice called “Taking in the Good.” It is a simple, neurological hack that changes how your brain processes positive emotions.
Most of us notice a happy moment like our baby giggling or our preschooler saying “I love you” and we smile for a split second before rushing to the next task. That isn’t enough time for the experience to transfer from short-term memory buffers into long-term storage.
To actually wire that joy into your nervous system, you need to stay with the feeling for at least 10 to 20 seconds.
Here is how you do it:
- Notice a positive moment. It doesn’t have to be huge. It can be the smell of your child’s hair or the way the light hits the breakfast table.
- Pause. Stop what you are doing physically if you can.
- Savor it. Let the feeling wash over you. Visualize it sinking into your chest.
- Enrich it. Make the emotion intense. Focus on the sensory details.
By holding your attention on that positive experience for just 15 seconds, you are firing neurons together. As the saying goes in neuroscience, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” You are literally building a brain structure that is more capable of feeling happiness.
4 Ways to Find Joy in the Daily Grind today
We don’t need more things to do. We need a shift in perspective. Here are four low-effort ways to apply this science to your chaotic Tuesday.
1. Seek Out the Sensory Details
Anxiety lives in the future. Joy lives in the present. The quickest way to get out of your head and into the moment is through your senses.
When you are hugging your child, don’t just go through the motions while thinking about your grocery list. Feel the weight of their body against yours. Smell the shampoo on their head. Notice the warmth of their small hands.
This releases oxytocin, the chemical of connection, which lowers your stress levels and strengthens your bond.
2. The “Camera Lens” Technique
When you feel overwhelmed by the mess the toys on the floor, the dishes in the sink imagine you are looking through a camera lens. Zoom in.
Ignore the messy room (the background) and zoom in on one specific, beautiful thing. Maybe it’s the concentration on your child’s face as they build a tower. Maybe it’s the way their eyelashes curl.
By narrowing your focus, you reduce the visual clutter that triggers cortisol and highlight the beauty that triggers dopamine.
3. Ditch the “Pinterest” Standard
It is impossible to find joy in your own reality if you are constantly measuring it against someone else’s highlight reel. The unrealistic standards we see online steal our joy faster than anything else.
Remind yourself that social media is a performance. Your life is the behind-the-scenes footage. It is supposed to look messy. When you embrace the idea that good enough is truly enough, you free up so much mental energy that was previously wasted on guilt. That energy can then be used for enjoyment.
4. Create “Micro-Rituals”
Don’t wait for vacations to make memories. Build joy into the boring parts of the day.
- The Morning Song: Play one silly song while brushing teeth.
- The High-Low: At dinner, ask everyone for their “high” and “low” of the day.
- The Squeeze: When you hold hands to cross the street, give three squeezes that mean “I Love You.”
These tiny rituals become anchors of safety and happiness for both you and your child.
When Joy Feels Impossible
I want to speak gently to the parent reading this who feels like they are drowning. If anxiety is running the show, or if you are in the depths of depression, “choosing joy” can feel like an impossible command.
Please know that struggling to find joy does not make you a bad parent. It might mean you are depleted. It is hard to pour from an empty cup, and it is even harder to savor a moment when your nervous system is stuck in “fight or flight.”
If the world feels gray, start small. Don’t aim for “joy.” Aim for “neutral.” Aim for “okay.” And please, reach out for support. You deserve to feel like yourself again.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel guilty when I take time for myself?
We are conditioned to believe that good parenting means self-sacrifice. But you cannot model happiness for your child if you are miserable. Think of self-care not as checking out, but as fueling up so you can check back in.
What if I don’t enjoy playing with my kids?
This is incredibly common. Many parents find pretend play boring, and that is okay! You don’t have to play dolls or trucks to bond. Find things you enjoy doing with them like reading, baking, or going for a walk. Connection happens in many forms.
How do I find joy when my child is having a hard day?
When the day is falling apart, try to find joy in your role as the “safe harbor.” You might not enjoy the screaming, but you can take a quiet pride in being the calm presence that helps them through their storm. That is a powerful form of love.
The Days Are Long (But The Moments Are Yours)
We can’t stop time, and we can’t eliminate the stress of raising children. There will always be laundry. There will always be tantrums.
But between those heavy moments, there are flashes of brilliance. There is the sound of a belly laugh. The sticky grip of a hand. The quiet breath of a sleeping child.
You don’t have to change your whole life to find more happiness. You just have to pause, take a breath, and let the good stuff stick.
Which small moment will you choose to savor today?
