You know that saying. You have seen it on Instagram quotes, heard it from well-meaning relatives, and probably thought it to yourself at 3 AM while rocking a crying baby.
It takes a village.
But for so many of us, looking around at our messy living rooms and silent phones, the immediate question is: Okay, but where is it?
We live in a time where we are more digitally connected than ever, yet many parents report feeling profound isolation. We assume that everyone else has a tight-knit group of friends swapping casseroles and carpool duties, while we are barely keeping our heads above water.
Here is the truth. The “village” used to be built-in. It was your neighbors, your extended family down the street, and the community you were born into. Today, families are spread out. We move for jobs. We work long hours. The village doesn’t just happen anymore. We have to build it, brick by brick.
That can feel like just another chore on your to-do list, I know. But building a support system isn’t just about having someone to watch the kids; it is about preserving your own humanity.
Let’s look at how we can stop waiting for the village to appear and start building one that works for you.
Why You Need People (According to Science)
It is easy to tell ourselves that we should be tough enough to handle it all alone. We might think needing help is a sign of weakness. But to truly understand why this matters, we need to look at the experts.
I want to introduce you to the work of Dr. Vivek Murthy, the U.S. Surgeon General. He has spent years studying what he calls the “Epidemic of Loneliness.”
Dr. Murthy argues that our need for connection is not a preference. It is a biological imperative. In his research, he highlights that chronic loneliness can have the same impact on our physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. When you are a parent, you are biologically wired to protect your young, which keeps your stress hormones high.
Without a tribe to signal safety to tell your nervous system that “someone else is watching out, so you can rest” you stay in a state of hyper-vigilance. That leads directly to burnout.
So, when you feel that desperate need for adult conversation or a helping hand, it is not because you are needy. It is because you are human.
Step 1: Identify What You Actually Need
Before you go trying to make “mom friends” or “dad friends” at the park, pause for a second. What is actually missing from your life right now?
A support system isn’t just one best friend who does everything. It is usually a mix of different people filling different roles.
- The Emergency Circle: Who can you call if you get the flu or need a last-minute pickup?
- The Emotional Anchors: Who can you text to vent about a tantrum without receiving judgment?
- The Practical Helpers: Who can trade babysitting hours or share carpool duties?
- The “Me” Connectors: Who shares your interests outside of parenting? (This connects directly to The Importance of Hobbies for a Parent’s Mental Health, because you need friends who see you, not just your kids.)
Grab a piece of paper. Draw three circles. Put the names you currently have in those buckets. If the circles are empty, that is okay. Now we know exactly who we are looking for.
Step 2: The Art of Finding Your People
Making friends as an adult is awkward. It feels a lot like dating, but with more scheduling conflicts.
To find your people, you have to put yourself in the path of potential connection. But you have to be strategic. Standing awkwardly at a playground while staring at your phone won’t do it.
Here are a few high-value places to start:
- Shared Interest Groups: Instead of generic “parent meetups,” look for groups centered on a specific activity. Hiking with carriers, library story times, or local volunteer groups. When you are doing a task together, the conversation flows more naturally.
- The “Repeated Exposure” Rule: Go to the same playground or coffee shop at the same time every week. Familiarity breeds comfort. Eventually, saying “hello” becomes easier because you have seen each other five times.
- Local Facebook Groups (Used Wisely): These can be toxic, but they can also be goldmines. Search for specific threads like “Any parents of toddlers love hiking?” or “Looking for a casual weekend playdate.”
Step 3: Turning Acquaintances into a Village
This is the hardest part. How do you bridge the gap between “playground small talk” and “come over for pizza in your sweatpants”?
To help us here, let’s look at the advice of Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering. Parker teaches that meaningful connection comes from purposeful gathering.
We often issue vague invitations like, “We should hang out sometime!” Parker suggests we need to be specific and create a low-stakes structure for the gathering.
Instead of a vague invite, try this: “Hey, we are going to grab donuts at the park this Saturday at 10 AM. We’d love for you to join us.”
It is low pressure. It has a start and end time. It centers around an activity.
To deepen the bond, you eventually have to lower your guard. If you always present a “perfect” image, clean house, well-behaved kids, put-together outfit you signal that you don’t need help.
Vulnerability is the magnet that draws your village in. Admitting “I am so exhausted today” or “My toddler is driving me up the wall” gives the other person permission to take off their mask too.
Nurturing the Connection (and Dealing with Guilt)
Once you start finding people, you have to nurture those relationships. This is where many of us stumble because we feel guilty asking for what we need.
You might think, I can’t ask them to watch my kids; that’s imposing.But remember, a healthy village relies on reciprocity. If you never ask for help, you deny your friends the chance to feel useful and generous. And if you never accept help, you will burn out. We talk about this extensively in our guide on How to Ask for and Accept Help Without Feeling Guilty. Read that if you feel a knot in your stomach every time you need a favor.
Common Questions About Building a Support System
What if I’m an introvert?
You don’t need a massive group. Two or three high-quality connections are better than twenty acquaintances. Focus on one-on-one interactions rather than large group events.
What if I get rejected?
It will happen. People are busy, or the chemistry might not be there. Try not to take it personally. Frame it as data: “Okay, that person isn’t my person. On to the next.”
How do I find time for this?
It feels impossible when you are busy. But remember Dr. Murthy’s advice: connection gives you energy; it doesn’t just take it. Even a 15-minute phone call can reset your nervous system.
One Final Thought
Building your village is slow work. You might have a few coffee dates that go nowhere. You might send texts that don’t get answered immediately.
That is a normal part of the process.
Do not compare your beginning to someone else’s middle. You might look at other parents and think they have it all figured out, but remember How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Parents on Social Media. Most of us are just looking for connection, exactly like you are.
Start small. Text one person today. Visit one new park. Be the one to break the ice. Your village is out there, but they are waiting for you to lay the first brick.
